Commander Shepards diary - Turian chocolate
by Dixie990
Summary: The last chapter of my story Oh hell no! re-posted as a stand alone one shot. OTT / AU fanfic written just for kicks!


**I liked this chapter of Oh hell no! so much that I've decided to re-post it as a stand alone story, edited to comply for a lower rating. For anyone unfamiliar with Oh hell no! Its not supposed to be taken seriously... it's complete rubbish written as an attempt at trashy humor. Take it with a BIG pinch of salt!**

**This one's for the Garrus lovin' Dr Michelle hatin' girls out there!**

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**Turian chocolate.**

Commander Shepard pulled out her favourite data pad from under her bed, the one she'd 'customised' with little plastic 'gemstones' and stickers of cute kittens. She opened the only file on the pad and added a new entry.

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_Jane Shepard's diary – fifty fifth entry. _

_ Kill count: 48 geth, 2 geth primes, 6 of those nasty buggers with the flame throwers._

_ Perfect headshots: 23_

_ Suicidal actions of the day: 5 _

_It was all going so well! Mission got off to good start, took down lots of geth, yelled at Quarian admirals a bit, felt very sexy throwing around hot air and bravado (I'm commander Shepard! Obey me blah blah blah!) – even got to see Tali (TZ) again! _

_ Was about to blow head off particularly annoying Geth sniper when TZ & G get into convo about shitty dextro rations on Normandy, dropping all the hints… *__note to self – get better dextro food__*… anyway… G mentions got present from some 'Dr Michelle' on citadel, sent him turian chocolate. TURIAN CHOCOLATE! Some trampy little citadel doctor is sending MY turian chocolate!? G totally clueless of course, still hasn't watched those vids obviously *__Note to self – send him more vids, maybe he'll take the hint? Perhaps Bridget Jones diary? For insight into human females…__* Furious though, who is 'Dr Michelle' anyway!? Did she save the citadel? Did she pull his dying arse off Omega after he got his face blown off? Did she kiss it all better? I don't think so! I'm Commander Shepard! Who does she think she's messing with?! *__Note to self – kill this 'Dr Michelle' on next citadel trip – __**PAINFULLY**__*_

_ G not stupid though… surely he knows? Was c-sec detective… can't be that dense right? __OMG__! What if he's bored with me!? What if he's seeing trampy Dr Michelle behind my back!? No no… G wouldn't… turians don't do that do they? G has been getting better in bed lately though… that trick he did with his tongue the other night (See entry 53) either watched Mordin vid or… OMG!__*_

_G wouldn't cheat on me… we're totally made for each other! Y'know, apart from being completely incompatible species, technically I'm more compatible with krogan… *__Note to self – Wrex owes BIG favour for genophage cure… and he's on the citadel right now.__* No Shepard without Vakarian! Can't blame him, c-sec detective or not – still male, same across the board... all of them thick with women. Blame trampy doctor! She knows what she's doing… muscling in on my team! On my man! Mine! Cow! *__Note to self- Get L to dig up dirt on trampy doctor, then blackmail within inch of sanity before setting angry Krogan with flamethrower on her__* Anyway, g2g, gonna call L up for some serious girl talk… no one does girl talk like Asari…_

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_Jane Shepards Diary, fifty fith entry – continued _

_Bottles of wine consumed: 5 _

_Bars of chocolate scoffed: 3_

_Tubs of B&J: 2 (L had one… ok ok…. Half a one) _

_So L thinks it's the PMS talking… stocks of evening primrose oil are out *__Note to self- restock evening primrose oil and stock up on tampons at the citadel – the nice ones in the blue wrappers not those useless yellow ones L got last time. (Took ages to convince G wasn't dying of hidden flesh wound! Damn turian sense of smell!)__* Mind you, wine reserves also low now. Bloody Cerberus – five bottles and still typing straight. Am feeling bit better now though. Plotted several vengeance scenarios for trampy doctor… L 'looking into it' think she's blowing me off though. _

_Am feeling bad for G though, maybe shouldn't have unloaded five concussive shots to back of his head last mission. Dr C (Not a trampy doctor) says he had bruise size of golf ball in the tender bits under his fringe… ooops. JV been talking to him, says G is totally confused why I'm giving him silent treatment. JV also said I was overreacting. Kicked his arse while 'dancing' and told him off for insubordination and being generally nosey. *__Note to self – restock medigel cabinet in shuttle bay__* _

_Should probably talk to G again… do miss him up here. Usually playing with my hair by now. G still can't get over human hair. Thinks it's weird but attractive. Kinda like his fringe for me I guess. Might just call him up here… get him to bring me a coffee and mars bar. NO Hot choc and Mars bar… hot choc with amaretto liquor in it… Ah hell yeah! _


End file.
